自从正式进入NUS, 我就开始睡得一天比一天晚. 最近稍微统计了一下, 我已经连续N个月没有在2点前睡过觉, 周末五六点上床也成了家常便饭. 这样日复一日月复一月长期熬夜的后果就是生物钟彻底紊乱加上内分泌严重失调. 前段时间有比较早的课, 我1点多睡觉居然觉得时间过早毫无睡意, 在床上翻来覆去直到四点左右才渐渐失去知觉. 更糟糕的是几天前的某个早上起床照镜子,看到的不是我,而是一张癞蛤蟆的脸...直到现在,日志写到这里,我又可以郑重其事的宣布今天的"两点前睡觉计划"再次以失败告终.

    鉴于事态的严重性, 我还是不得不"追根寻底"一下导致我生活紊乱的原因. 回想自从开学以来, 我就再也没有浪酒闲茶陶情适性过了. 狂杀脑细胞的CS1231, "名目繁多"的CCA, 并之我超高的要求, 外加我极差的条理性...这所有的重任足以使一个本身就不活蹦乱跳的我有了更大的可能性患上老年痴呆. 有人说我是人心不足蛇吞象, 我说fuck everything! 我他妈拼死老命就是想进到QF以后多一个饭碗, 我他妈累死累活就是想搞点CCA pts以后3年有个容身之处! 话说人步入社会也就变得越来越现实, 最后内心空洞得像一栋废弃的房子, 可悲啊可悲. 曾经大人们都说进入大学人心复杂, 我看来了NUS才发现这里的人单纯得连一个正常成年人的思想都没有了! 难道差距就体现在这里? 实在是搞不懂人的内心, 以前觉得太复杂, 现在觉得怎么会这么简单. 其实自己本身就是一个难懂的迷, 就像我不懂为什么我过几天就要考试了现在还熬夜写这些乱七八糟的东西. 说到人心又想到刚刚和一个朋友的谈话(或索性叫对牛弹琴), 人际交流中我们都是带着面具的, 并且随着时间带得越来越厚, 但是与此同时我们对于内心世界的泄露也越来越惧怕. 回想几年前我还是希望别人来看我的日志, 到现在是害怕别人来看我的日志. 前段时间加MSN的人很多我索性关掉了我的SPACE, 不过现在又打开了. 我总是想我曾经的朋友们能在这里看到我的思想, 能继续交流我们不一样的思想, 在但是他们似乎已经忘记了这里, 忘记了曾有过的思想.

    我不知道他们有没有忘记思想的主人...

 

 

 

I haven’t written anything for days

Whether it’s due to my decadence

or the lack of so-called emotion

I don’t know.

 

Sometimes life could be rather complicated

And everything is fucked up.

Whether there is really a fucking reason

or I’m just being emotional again

I don’t know.

 

I could hardly bear to think

about all the shit that has happened

but whether there are really things that has happened

or it was just a bad dream

I really don’t know.

 

(CONTINUED)

 

One month before December 16^th−−the day I left China, I went on a vacation on Hainan Island. Mom and I only had a handful of trips together and that is one of them.

    I spent almost five days staying at the seaside with my mother, watching the ships passing by, and letting the softness and tenderness get under my skin. I used to believe that ocean is a symbol of peace and beauty, but if you change a view, it can also be extremely cold and inhospitable. Sometimes I would think how the ocean resembles a huge rough sapphire, and how the beauty makes me feel so happy and sad at the same time.

    During the trip, Mom and I once went for a stroll along the seashore at sunset. There the splash of pieces of seashells lay scattered on the beach and small holes covered the sand where the crabs had dug in. the wind felt soft and warm and the water not very chilling. I saw the sun changing color from a yellow to an orange and then to a red ball hanging over the horizon. I saw a fisherman’s boat far in the distance...and I saw the black silhouette of my mother against the burning sky.

 

I’d never in my life time seen such beautiful views, I didn’t even remember when was the last time I dream about such peaceful things. It was so magnificent that later when I watched Forrest Gump running toward where heaven stops and earth begins, I cried, I cried because I felt miserable, and I cried so hard because I saw hopes, hopes like in Forrest Gump that I tried all my way to seek, hopes like what Andy Dufresne did in the Shawshank Redemption. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.

 

Just in that way, I smiled, I smiled all the way back to home, and then all the way to where I am today.  Sitting in front of my computer among everybody else, I suddenly feel so relieved and become excited.

    I hope the excitement can last all the way in the quest for my dreams, and the relief can lead me all the way to the final freedom.

    I hope all the “too much” become only a part of my life, and tomorrow is going to be as beautiful as the blue ocean.

    I just hope.

 

 

(The End)

 

 

(CONTINUED)

 

What I began to do after I came back from Hongkong on July 27^th 2008 was the one-and-a-half months’ preparation for another significant TEST and INTERVIEW, and that means I had made up my mind to come to where I am today. Every morning I went to the library and worked on those math problems, even though it was summer vacation and there was no one in my house. I just COULDN’T stay alone, because I used to tell myself not to do so if I wanted to move on. When I was in high school, SH used to went to the library with me. There were people being around and that made me temporarily forget about the “too much”. But this time SH was not there because she was at home.  Bobo and Renyao went with me instead and we had our last best time together before we parted company.

 

In China, military training is compulsory for every student  at the beginning of college. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to leave early enough to just miss the training, like what Bobo did. But I did get to make an excuse to ask for several days off before I was tired out to death. Every morning after all my roomies went out for training, I would quietly walked out of my dormitory  and made for the study room I had prearranged. I spent half of the time there preparing for my INTERVIEW and the rest playing Warcraft. Yanghan is the only one who stayed in the same university with me among all my buddies. We used to roam all over the campus in the evening and really talked about stuff. But soon after the military training, I had to part company with him, for I had passed the TEST and INTERVIEW and was no longer a student of where I was.

 

Traveling is a good way to kill time when you are facing with a long and boring vacation. I really went to a lot of places both before and after the TEST and INTERVIEW. Dad always provided me with all those chances to travel. We went to the Bird’s Nest in Beijing to watch the Olympic games, and the Oriental Art Center in Shanghai to enjoy the Broadway musicals. But one thing I  felt sorry for was that I never met any new people during those trips. I used to dream of becoming  a writer so I could spend a lot of time traveling around, learning about different cultures and meeting different people. But in reality I always got too tired to notice all those little things, and becoming a writer is not easy after all.

 

Sometimes when I am alone, I will think about all those things that have happened to me and all those success I have achieved. If someone were to ask me today whether I have finally freed myself or not, I wouldn’t know what to say.

      Has anybody?

      After all, life is not like a movie, there is still a long way to go. I don’t know if we each have a destiny or if we are all just floating around accidental like on a breeze. But I think maybe it’s both. Both are happening at the same time.

 

(Continued in Next Post)

 

TEN years is a long time.

 

But  it doesn’t mean anything to me. I never thought of staying here for TEN years, just like I had never even thought of coming here until TEN months ago.

 

TEN months is a short time.

 

You don’t even have a single chance to sit down in front of your big reinforced glass window and think about everything that has happened. You don’t even even have a foggist idea when will be the next time you can sit down in front of your big reinforced glass window, watching the stinky smoke rising from the skirt-like chimneys.

 

To tell the truth, I don’t miss home, not even a little. I think I’m guilty about this so I don’t dare to talk it out to my parents. But I do miss the feelings at home, OR, the way I thought and did things when I was home.

 

I used to dream of leaving my country. At first the reason was “I have nothing left here”, but later it became “I have too much left here”. Of course you can’t hide or wipe out everything in the “too much”, so I left my country in a warm December and came to where I am today, probably with many other reasons.

 

I haven’t been writing in Chinese for quiet a while SO I’m not sure whether I can write as well as before. SO I don’t dare to write in Chinese in a way in which I wrote before. But I haven’t yet been that familiar with English either SO I don’t dare to write as flowerily as I used to do either. I figure that’s something they call “dilemma”, a really embarassing one, but I always have a desire to write, which creats a second dilemma. In the days when I am out here, what I hear is English, what I read is in English, what I write is in English, despite the fact that I seldom speak a word in English, all the world around me is in Enlgish. Sometimes I will ask myself if my Chinese is getting worse and worse, which is extremely terrible, or if my English is getting better and better, which seems extremely great.

 

Anyway, I have gone through a time, where there was hardly anything to go through. TEN months. That is really a short time, I say. If I add TWO more, it will make ONE YEAR.

 

ONE YEAR is long time.

 

I remember that at this very moment one year before, I was killing myself trying to get a higher mark in the College Entrance Examination. You never know how much it meant to a kid in China, but afterwards they will feel that, in some sense, it means nothing at all. Feeling is always a strange thing, you never got to understand how it could be changing so considerably.

 

I never felt as excited as THEM when I finally got to leave high school on June 8^th 2008, and never am I good at saying GOODBYE. But I did feel excited. I wanted to sing a song to celebrate but I became some kind of dumb that day. I thought my sufferings would soon come to an end, not because I don’t have to be killing myself trying to get a higher mark any more, but for I finally got to say GOODBYE to part of the “too much”, even though it was no easy for me.

 

When you got nothing to do and dare not to find some THINGS  to do, you’re really doing nothing. It’s quite understandable because you don’t want anything to stir the “too much”.

That’s just the way I lived after the National Test. Everything seemed OK and I was really happy about that, even later when I was informed that I had failed in my first choice of universities. I was really surprised that I didn’t feel a thing about that, but obviouly my relatives did not think so. Very often they just tried to comfort me, which was rather ridiculous. Sometimes I would think if it was God who arranged all of this. Who knows what was going to happen if I had gone to my “first choice”, probably I could never get rid of the “too much”. Anyway, I was really DOING NOTHING, and that is not good.

 

(Continued in Next Post)

 

 

 

 

     这是一个自然资源有限，科学技术飞速发展的时代。你可以对你的住所进行监控，对自已的饮食进行精心地制作，而为你服务的可能根本就不是人类本身，而是一个机器人。诚然，园艺、家务、友谊......机器人可以满足你除了爱以外人类的每一个需求。

     在机器人的发展过程中，赋予机器人以情感是最富有争议的，也是最后未能做到的事。通常机器人被视作为一个极其复杂的装置，人们认为他们不会具备感情。但是，现在有很多父母失去了自己的孩子，时代的需要就使这种可能性大大增加了。终于，Cybertronics Manufacturing制作公司着手解决了这个问题，制造出了第一个具有感情的机器人。

     他的名字叫David。

　　作为第一个被输入情感程序的机器男孩，David是这个公司的员工Henry和他的妻子Monica的一个试验品，因为他们自己的孩子因病被冷冻起来，Henry和Monica收养了David。David逐渐成了他们的孩子，拥有了所有的爱，成为了家庭的一员。但就在这个时候，母亲亲生的儿子由于医学的突破而战胜了病魔并回到了家里。由于对母亲爱的自私，真人孩子与David产生了矛盾，又由于母爱的自私，母亲最终将David遗弃在了树林里。

     在我看来，电影从这里才算真正的开始。David深深的爱着他的母亲，非常清楚母亲之所以遗弃他是因为他是个机器人。由于之前他听过木偶奇遇计的故事，知道里边有一位蓝仙女能把木头人皮诺曹变成了真孩子。于是，他和自己的玩伴智能玩具机器熊Teddy一起踏上了寻找蓝仙女的路程...
     在经历了很多事情之后，David来到了被大海淹没了的纽约。在海底，他见到了一个被淹没了的主题公园。里边有人类表现木偶奇遇记故事的雕塑。小David以为自己终于找到了蓝仙女，在潜艇灯的照耀下，小戴维不停的祈祷着想请蓝仙女将自己变成一个真正的孩子，一遍又一遍...
     转眼又过了两千年，地球大部分地区已经被冰封了起来。人类早已灭绝，取代人类的是一种更高级的生物。他们发现了被冻在潜艇里的David和Teddy。这些生物从戴维的记忆里了解到了事情的经过。于是，他们救活了David并决定帮David完成他的心愿。
     他们用Teddy保存下来的一缕母亲的头发把David的母亲复活。但由于死去的人类使用过自己的时间轨迹，所以复活后的人只能存活一天。这些生物又恢复了David家里的样子，并让David和他的母亲一起生活在这仅有的一天里。
     David的梦想终于实现了。在这一天里，没有其他人的打扰，David独享着母爱。但快乐的时间总是很短暂。夜晚来临，母亲睡着，再也不能醒来。从来就不能睡觉的机器人David，却也靠在母亲身边真正的睡去。而历经磨难一直陪伴在David身边的小熊Teddy，也爬到床边，静静的坐在那里。
     一缕斜阳映进了房间，画面定格在了这里。
     影片里还有许多经典的场景我无法忘怀。从每每小熊Teddy笨笨的跟着主人公，不离不弃，到机器人乔那句“I AM，I WAS”。这些对朋友的忠诚，对生活的热爱，让我看到了机器人所拥有的人性中越来越缺乏的光芒。David永远都没能变成真人，但他从来没有放弃过。他的爱是真的，但是他却是假的。那种悲哀，那种挚着，还有他的眼泪，让人温暖又无比心碎...

 

 

 

 

 

      我不愿意生活在没有思想的无知的满足中,

      我不愿意让每天重复的看似繁忙充实的事情将我完全包围,

      我不愿意等待现实的物质追求将我慢慢吞噬,

      我也不愿意只生活在激昂的旋律中而忽略了内心的宁静,

     

      所以我回到了这里,

      一个能让我静静地坐下来思考所发生的一切的地方,

      一个能让我细细地感受生活中各种味道的地方.

 

      所以我拾起了我的笔,

      重新开始记录心灵的每一次冲撞,

      重新开始认清生活的每一个意义,

      重新开始行进在灵魂的追求中...

       从第一次过年写博到现在好象已经很遥远了...高一,高二,高三...就这样过去,一直没来得及给自己一段独自的时间,坐下来静静地想一想所有发生的事情. 离开中学生活已经大半年,我将一切的思想和感情都抛置一边,让它们都不断的淡化, 直到现在想起以前不敢去想的事情,也变得没有那么敏感.

       去年春节是第一次没在老家过年, 那时还看着街上的行人抱怨物质生活冲掉了很多东西而很多人又很心甘情愿, 呼吸着热闹非凡的气息却摆脱不了心里的孤独...现在...那些充满了青春色彩的思绪都不见了踪影, 回老家过年只是让自己嗤笑的事情.

       而今年春节却连父母也没陪着过了, 独自一人在异国他乡, 感觉不到气氛, 也感觉不到怀念...我不停地去认识新的朋友, 让自己活在色彩中. 有时真的发现生活的确是那么的单纯, 单纯的快乐. 我给自己买了一件衣服,一张CD和一堆食品, 来弥补今年有所缺陷的春节. 我不停地参加聚会,和朋友踏青,逛街, 来填补一个人的空虚, 似乎生活就真的可以这样变得多姿多彩...时间可以让人渐渐的成熟, 却也将人渐渐的钝化. 现在的我几乎不煲电话粥了, 上高中的时候总是和朋友一晚上一晚上地打电话, 总有那么多的忧郁,恐惧,和痛苦需要朋友的抚慰, 也总有那么多的信念和激情需要朋友的分享. 而现在即使真的遇到难过的时候. 也不会像从前那样肆无忌惮的给朋友诉说...我一直想要挽留住我和那些朋友们的感情, 无拘无束, 纯洁无暇的感情, 但总是避免不了距离和年龄的增加所导致的变化.

       (Not finished and never will be.)

     

     经历过某种痛苦的人，也许害怕再次沦陷，而越是想要逃避，却难免掉入其中。有时生活就是这样的残忍，一次又一次的将你击垮。翻开曾经的日记本，白底黑字又将我带回了痛苦的记忆...

 

很长一段时间没有自虐过了的我
又开始在手臂上
用鲜血
刻写下一段记忆
伤口，在隐隐作痛
但它很快会离去
而对于心里的伤
我却无能为力
笑过的，哭过的，就像流水
匆匆的，离我而去
模糊的，让我麻木，让我看不清前方
花开了又败，败了又开
时光奔流不息
曾经所有的，都已成了回忆
而有些东西，将永远留在我生命里
伤口，还在隐隐作痛
刻下的是痕迹
留下的是记忆
我的生命中又凭空多了一道伤痕。

 

流过了很久的泪，眼睛生疼生疼的
现在一切又已平静下来，那颗跳动的心，却已毫无生气
半年的时间，我还是没能做到，将一切都忘记
每一个重复的动作，都让人厌倦，让人麻痹
痛彻心扉的自虐，风声鹤唳的逃避
椎心泣血的泪水让人窒息...
直到再一次拾起那昨日的碎片
----没有了色彩，没有了幻想
只有我，一个人，依然在寻觅
无法逃避的事情，也许只能让时间来解决
而最后，我却可悲的发现
这一路上留下的，还是那时的气息。

 

独自走上这个舞台，我在追寻我的梦想。

时间不停的转，我找不到梦的方向。

就在那一刻，早已注定我的孤单。

等我从梦中醒来，发现一切只是幻想。
长久以来都是我一个人，怀揣着梦想走在街上。

虽然这条路是如此漫长，可我不能放慢我的脚步。
我最喜欢的颜色是黑色的，我天生是个忧郁的孩子。
一如既往的努力换回的只是那一如既往的扭曲。
我不愿再这样默默等待，也不愿再被这一切伤害。
明天将会怎样已不再重要，我在这虚幻中佯装疯狂。
我早已厌倦，这悲伤...我只想得到，那答案...
一次次地告诉自己，生命的足迹总是短暂。
一半会去用来飞翔一半却去用来死亡。
身体轻如那羽毛，宿命在空中膨胀。
我早已厌倦，这无所谓的等待...

 我只想得到，那理想背后的答案...

      清晨的6:30是个神圣的时刻,虽然我很少起那么早,但我仍能感觉到那种淋漓尽致的感觉...冬天的6:30,黑暗仍占据着每一个地方,这是一个本应该沐浴于光明的时刻,然而它此时却被黑暗所控制.

      我喜欢清晨的黑暗,因为它掩盖了一切本应发光的东西,就像一朵凋谢的话,永远只有死亡的气息,它曾有过的一切艳丽,早已灰飞湮灭,留下永恒的黑暗,如同大火后的灰烬...教堂在燃烧,烧毁一切美好的东西,惊艳,夹杂着一阵阵的撕心裂肺,我知道,他们已走上了一条永远无法回头的路...我将黑暗诠释于华丽,带着歌特的庄严气息,然后又在其中毁灭...

      或许我早该明白这一切有多么无意义,就像这个垂死的世界,荒芜而凄凉...

      我总是过着双重的生活,不停的寻找着,但却不知道自己到底在寻找什么,面对着这一切的丑态而无能为力,我不断地伪装自己,却如此的不了解自己,人骨子里到底是什么谁也说不清,有些事永远是个矛盾体,而我选择了沉默.

      在这儿,是我对黑暗的追求,是我内心深处永恒的境界,如同一棵枯树,黯淡无光...一旦你读懂了生命的意义,就永远地掉进了孤独的深渊,所谓的爱也无法救赎...这儿没有爱,只有痛苦在无际地穿插蔓延,一点一点地吞噬着一切...

      我时常感叹时光流逝中的消亡,我发现有些东西永远无法改变,有些伤也许已定格为永恒的痛...我沉迷于自虐带给我的满足感,也只有在这儿,我可以无数次地自杀...我不断地回忆着这些年的生活,也许除了仇恨与绝望,我一无所有...

      冬天的6:30,黑暗仍占据着每一个地方,这是一个本应该沐浴于光明的时刻,然而它此时却被黑暗所控制..空气中弥漫着香烟的味道,我倒下了,在这冰冷的土地上,寒冷开始曼延,吞噬着所有残余的温度,没有泪水,只有鲜血,燃烧的,咆哮的,歇斯底里的,一切都在迅速的死亡,就像这个世界,留下一片黑暗,永远的......

 

     从老家回来,感觉很累,确又好似什么事都没发生过....
     半年回一次老家. 每当走出车厢,睁开那双长途跋涉后的眼睛,我从未感到过一丝陌生,就好象昨天刚刚来过,而眨眼间却已过了很多年...呼吸着似曾相识的空气,一切都从未改变,而找不到的,只有那曾经留下的足迹,就好象每次下车时抖下的灰尘,被岁月的风,吹得无影无踪.
     刚刚在抽屉翻出一些儿时的物品,忽然间又使我回忆起了从前和两个要好的朋友在一起的点点滴滴...这次回老家三天,大部分时间都和两个朋友在一起. 我们还是像从前那样打闹,那样聊天,那样PK红警,但已经没有了曾经的那种闲情逸致了. 很多东西都变了,岁月在演变一个人,但无论怎样演变,我们能做的也只有感叹. 改变不了现实,也挽救不了所有失去的东西. 就象没有什么能改变这个世界.
     人有时就象一只羽毛,飘飞了许多年,走了很远. 吹过一阵风,仿佛卷入了时间与空间的暗流,让人迫不及防,时而被折腾的天昏地转...混沌中看到了无数新生的绚烂,在眨眼间,灰飞湮灭. 就象一个婴儿的诞生,和一位老者的夭折,在这巨大的旋涡中交替出现,余下一个生死轮回的环.
     而流过的泪水是否能随环流向永远? 

 

Well,it's the fourth day of this summer holiday,nothing special,nothing interesting...it's not as good as expected. yeah i know i'm in senior 3 now,I have to sacrifice all my spare time to it, so ridiculous...I have no awareness of how my things are going, I can't say it good,but not bad either. Sometimes I find myself just stay in numb, I locked my heart, and refused anything,no matter bad or good.but the truth is,I was really self-closed. I wonder what the hell I hope for,or what the fuck I sad for,these fucking believes? they're just bullshit,yeah maybe I never had any believes, so why I always get confused? That sucks...those dumb people,those dumb things. And the fucking hurts, fucking love or hate, I say fuck it! fuck everything! But if I really didn't care? I know it's true but I do give a shit...How stupid I am, I should have known that things could never get better,hell,nothing's gonna change the world, maybe this is my only fucking belief...

 

P.S. I don't think I will go on with this, coz it's too ugly to fit my lovey-dovey ***...

我从梦中醒来,

发现自己躺在这片废弃的土地上,

法庭外的树,

被鲜血喷染的墙壁...

 

我听到了曾经的声音,

只是多了你在流血的头,

被挂上了那棵从未有过的圣洁之树...

 

曾被邀请到了舞会的斩首台,

我以为自己是紧邻你火焰的蝴蝶,

恐慌的匆促和枷锁已被掠夺,

留下在火热下的冰冷...

 

但我最终还是明白了,

这只是个游戏,

闪过一缕稍纵即逝的火花,

来得太匆忙,

也走的太快,

现在一切又恢复了平静,

却凭空留下了一地沾满血的灰烬...

 

于是我继续在葬礼中等待,

关掉了所有的声音,

直到玻璃还是碎了,

向缝隙的方向消逝,

一切都走了...

 

拾起我的骨头和皮,

葬在那棵被点燃的圣洁之树,

我知道,

火,

还会燃烧很多年...

 

     时光如流水一般，转眼又是三年过去了。回想着三年前的我，再看看现在的我，不禁感叹人生的变换莫测，三年就已物事人非！
     三年前，我初一毕业。
     爸爸是那年四月调到北碚工作的。于是我一放暑假，就和妈妈来到北碚了。刚下车我就一阵心灰意冷：这么破旧的地方让我以后怎么过啊！如此糟糕的第一印象使我整个暑假都沉浸在对北碚的厌恶之中......那个暑假也确实恐怖，三个月都呆在这破地方像坐牢似的，因为我初一学的教材和这儿的不一样，所以暑假我还在补课，更恼火的是除了父母我一个人都不认识！其实现在想起来也许一个人都不认识更好......
     之后我们就开学了。
     ......
     三年后，我高一毕业。
     我对着镜子看着自己：头发变短了，人变长了，皮肤变黑了，胡子变黑了，整个人老了一大截，眼神也变得空洞了...与其说我认不出现在的我，还不如说我认不出三年前的我，我似乎也麻木的不懂得天真和快乐。
     一切都变的那么的快，快的来不及痛痛快快的哭一场。我以为是上帝改变了这一切，是上帝毁灭了一切，所以我恨他，就想在写《致上帝》时那种刻骨的憎恨与诋毁...有时候我觉得自己从来都是被愤怒和痛苦包围着的。生活将我变的愤世疾俗，我也在这种愤怒与痛苦中变的麻木...我觉得一夜之间自己突然变的那么忧郁，那么沉重，仿佛看透了一切，而我又没有那么清高...于是我麻木了，我变的冷酷了...我没有精力再去恨，再去爱，我觉得这个世界的一切都是那么无聊与可笑...直到有一天我听到了《In the shadow of the valley of death》这首歌，歌中唱出的就是这几年来我的感受，我突然觉得自己就是Marilyn Manson的一个复制品。我已不记得当时哭了多久，我只记得那几年的痛苦，都化作了我的泪，这样跟着鼓点一滴一滴往下流...
     本想在高中开始我的新生活，不料却迎来了又一场噩梦，我想自己彻底被击败了...痛苦蔓延，我想到了死。我觉得这个世界已没有什么值得爱，值得恨的了，这个世界已不再值得我留下。但我却没有这么做，我想到了含辛茹苦把我养育大的父母...于是我就这样的生活着，成天被痛苦与寂寞包围着，对任何事都失去了热情，也没了心思学习。高二开学的前5天左右，妈妈来看我的作业，而我还有一半没做，她非常地生气，她说我成绩就这样一直下降，我就这样不顾自己的前程了，她气急败坏的抓我的头发...我再也忍不住了，我开始疯狂的打自己的耳光，捶自己的双腿，妈妈在一旁惊愕的看着我...痛苦就这样一股脑的涌出，泪水终于还是模糊了我双眼，我就像个小孩似的抱头痛哭...过后的几天我都没有说话，我突然觉得自己是那么的无助，那么的没有依靠。我走进妈妈的房间，背对着她躺在床上，因为我觉得自己就要哭出来了，妈妈心疼的问我，但我却什么都不能说，我就那样强忍着眼泪，但最后还是流了出来。我又想起了一首歌叫《男人哭吧哭吧不是罪》，我只想那样的一直哭，我太需要一个可以依靠的肩膀，而我的肩膀却总是给别人靠的......
     现在来看看我以前写下的《致上帝》和《殇》，仍然会有一种眼红的冲动。《致上帝》里的仇恨，也许现在已所剩无几，生活将我击溃，我已太累。《殇》中所提及的自杀，也只会是我心灵深处的一种境界，无论如何我还是会咬着牙活下去...但我还是害怕，害怕有一天我会用毒品代替Marilyn Manson的音乐来麻醉自己，害怕有一天我真会走向自我毁灭。以后的路还很漫长，我不知道还会发生什么，但至少我已做好了心理准备......
     纷飞多少年，有些人不得不走这么远，当我出生时，一切都已结束......

写给我的朋友：
         汤小G：感谢你的支持和理解！感谢多次来逛书店都有你的陪同！（P.S.  你不要被吓着了，我这不是在写遗书，虽然很像...但如果真有那么一天你一定要阻止我。）
        

这里的爱已所剩无几.     我已太累, 而没有精力再去恨.     我感觉到了空虚,     我感觉到了这衰败的时刻.     我在消逝...我知道我也想带着你...       剖开我的胸膛, 刺穿我尖锐的肋骨.     我就是出生在这流产的婴儿床中...     然后一切都变成了噩梦...     我知道当我出生时,     我也开始死亡.     我只想投降...     我只想生活在这谎言中...         缺了点痛苦,     缺了点希望,     缺了所有我想说的话...     这个世界正在将我杀死,     没有什么可以治愈我的伤口...     我在消亡的路上,     我抬头向前望去,     看到的是一个垂死的世界,     我想我也一样.     我在消亡...

      我的嘴是一张婴儿床, 谎言正在其中成长. 在这个世界上, 我已不知道"爱"是什么.

      我的心已留下了一道微小的疤痕, 我努力的想扯掉它, 但它却永远不会痊愈, 也永远不会消失. 这简单的"爱"一词已经灭亡, 已经从我的脑海中远去...

      我在伊甸之眼中, 烧毁一切美好的事物. 我们太愚蠢而不能跑, 太麻木而不能死. 这个世界从来都不属于我, 你带走了天使, 我将以自杀让所有人付出代价...

 

他们切开了我们的喉咙, 就像我们是花一样. 我们的牛奶, 已经被吞掉.... 我希望我能睡着, 但我不能躺下, 因为我背上有把刀, 自从认识你的那一刻起.... 当你想要时, 它总是走的太快, 当你恨它时, 它却总是要停留, 但请记住, 你心中的裂缝, 是我.... (thought,  not  spoken) : 我想超过痛苦的速度, 去另一天....